Mother's Day.

This mother has some requests.

Dear Kids,

Please, please, please shut up. Please stop fighting with one another. Get yourselves ready for school without a fist fight. Eat the dinner I prepared without complaining that it isn't what any of you wanted. Put the food in your mouth and chew it. With your mouth closed, preferably. Pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the laundry room. Take a shower without arguing that you took one yesterday. Let your brother(s) take a shower alone without busting into the bathroom and then teasing him about penis size, ensuing another fist fight. Go to bed. Sleep all night. Get up nicely.

Please do not wear your muddy ball cleats in the house. Please shut the fridge door and please stop drinking out of the milk container, even though your father does. Please turn off a light when you leave a room. Please do not hold me responsible for your missing ball glove or bat. Along with this, remember to shut up, because all the needless banter is slowly killing me. Try to think about what you are saying before you say it. Think about whether or not it makes sense. Please help your sister find her pink baby. Please push her on the swing when she sits there for 10 minutes waiting for someone, anyone to push her. Don't pick on her, don't tease her. Don't make her scream, as I am looking for quiet, hence all the requests to shut up.

Please don't move the chair right in front of the tv. No one needs to sit four inches in front of the tv. And since I mentioned tv, please find something to watch that isn't some lame, mindless, brain sucking show about twin boys, wizards, igirl with obnoxious friends or a yellow sponge. Watch Animal Planet or Discovery Channel. Try to learn something.

Dear Husband,

Please stop being so nice. It's hard being married to freakin' Jesus. Stand up for yourself and for me. Please let me take a bath ALONE and do not assume I want your company, either in the tub itself or on the toilet next to the tub. There are three other toilets in this house.

Please pick up your socks. The black Under Armour ones. You know what ones I'm referring to. Just pick them up and put them in the laundry room. Take the initiative to leave the house with the children in tow. Take them for a hike. Please sit down on weekends and stop making me feel like all we can do all weekend is work, work, work. Please let me finish landscaping the front yard and stop saying "No one sees the front yard." because I see the front yard.

Please, if you see I am reading a book, do not bother me. Do not start a conversation about your lack of pitchers on the little league team, because..my love, I do not give a shit. Please, for once in your life, put a roll of toilet paper on the holder. Just try it.

Please SHAVE. Your face. I understand you are bald and any hair is a gift, but the scrubble on your face hurts my face and your daughter's face. We don't like.

I don't want fancy gifts or flowers. I just want my sanity back.

Love,

Mom