Hey Kid..

My kids are the epitome of embarrassment. They are.




I should have known that my life was going to be in a constant state of humiliation when I opened my eyes during labor and delivery of the twins and saw ELEVEN other people in the room, all totally enamored of my uterus.




"2,4,6,8! Who do you humiliate?! Mom! Momma! Mother!"









There are basic humiliations that accompany being a mother..such as the days that you don't actually brush your teeth or hair. Or wear the same sweat pants for three days straight. The worst part of this is that once humbled, the same mother will even be seen OUT in public like this.




The fact that your body may never be the same is also quite a shock to most women. Obvious social pressure makes women more inclined to be in shape, to work to regain their 'pre-baby' shape.




Yeah, good luck with that.









The shape of mom herself is often overlooked because we as mothers spend so much time making our children into the little pristine angels we desire.




Dressing my daughter is like dressing up a little piggie.




My friend and I always say "You can always tell when it's the beginning of the year, because our kids are so clean and pressed and look so good. By the end of the year, they could wear the same damn clothes every day for a week and we wouldn't care!"









All the above is small in comparison to the big one. The big one.




The big one is when the children begin to speak.




Out of their mouths.









Dear sweet Jesus, someone shoot me.




When my twins were just about three years old, I was checking out of the grocery store and my son stood up and announced "My daddy doesn't wear underwear to bed!!"




My eyes got really bug like..and he smiled smugly like 'I dare you Mom, I dare you to hit me in a public place'.




That was ten years ago.




I have NO PRIDE left for them to annihilate, they have humiliated it out of me!









My children have yelled during church. They have farted in prayer. My children have said 'my parents don't like you' to visiting priests. In particular, 'my dad says you shake hands like wet lettuce'.




Yes.




My third son came into the world without a conscience. He says very little, but by God, when he says it..he means it.




Imagine my anxiety when he learned how to talk. By some hidden grace, this child had his teeth knocked out so he COULDN'T talk for two years. This, I have to believe now, was a gift! I could only imagine him saying 'you suck' or 'i have itchy balls' to some random passerby as a young child. This is a kid who will go upstairs, get a bar of soap from the shower, bring it to me..then proceed to call his brother every swear word he knows. He then takes the soap, puts it in his mouth and sits at the kitchen table until I call 'time out!'. This sweet, beautiful child got into a fight last year and after pummeling a child, wipes off his mouth and says "who's the girl now, bitch?"..while his grandfather turns his head in laughter.
And to think that my husband and I do not swear (often) in front of them! WHERE does it come from??
Yes, my kids embarrass me. Daily.





Yesterday, my daughter was having speech therapy to correct some of her sounds. As they were working, she announces "I hate baboons. They don't have hair on their BUTTS."




Gosh, thanks for sharing.






I didn't even flinch. The therapist looked up at me in surprise when I doubled over in laughter. Seriously, this is mild in the cornucopia that is my life as a mother.
And yes, I am a mother who sometimes wears sweats to the grocery store.
That I slept in.